Field Notes #1: A “Funny” Story: When Politeness Gets Called Compassion

Field Notes is a series of leadership dilemmas drawn from real organizational life. Names and identifying details have been changed. The aim is to help us all lead with more humanity!

The Situation

During an all-staff meeting, a high-ranking physician told a story he clearly intended to be humorous. As it unfolded, it became apparent that the “humor” depended on harmful stereotypes affecting multiple identities represented in the room.

And no one, not even the leadership present, said a word.

Later that day, I met with leadership and learned what had happened. Even though they had not said anything, it was clear they recognized the harm. I asked the leadership team why they chose not to say anything.

One of them answered quickly: “I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”

Others in the room seemed to agree immediately. There were small nods, a sense of shared understanding. Interestingly, none of the leadership group had any of the intersectional identities that had been made fun of.

Confusing Politeness and Compassion

The leadership team had not been acting from compassion. They were acting from politeness, and people often confuse the two.

Politeness is a set of norms that upholds the comfort of the majority, especially those in positions of power. Compassion seeks to recognize suffering and respond to it skillfully.

Organizations that operate primarily out of politeness risk reinforcing norms that can quietly conflict with their stated values and mission. Organizations that prioritize compassion are better able to respond to complex situations with clarity, creativity, and care.

To move from politeness toward compassion it helps to become aware of compassion hierarchy, blind spots, and fatigue. It requires a daily practice of compassion that often disrupts the decades of practice we have had in politeness.

Your Turn…

There isn’t a clear-cut answer to moments like this. That is not the work Jamesa and I do.

We focus instead on helping organizations investigate problems and leadership culture through compassion, curiosity, and courage.

So, as you sit with this story, consider:

• What do you think you would have done if you were in that meeting, and why?

• What would you have wanted to do, even if you’re not sure you would have been able to?

• Are you building the muscle memory of compassion and disruption in small, everyday ways so that you can act when it matters?

• What impact do moments like this have on workplace culture over time?

• Does your workplace prioritize politeness or compassion?